Melody Valkyrie's Guide to Killing Ursai and Destroying the Patriarchy
by rolypolice
Summary: Mel has everything she could ever want. Team Sloth as her parents, Pyrrha and Jaune's twin sons as her best friends, and a hella fly team at Beacon Academy. But then, stuff happens and suddenly Mel's left to uphold the ideals of feminism and still handle having to deal with boy problems, chick problems and her crazy parents. What could go wrong? R&R!
1. Public Transport

"Mom, I don't need syrup for school, I need space in my bag for more important things. I'm sure that syrup will be provided if we have pancakes. Then I'll eat them without syrup? Yes, I'm a sinner." Melody, strictly known as Mel, talked to her parents while boarding the Airship. "Yes, I'll find them as soon as I can. Dad, the puking is a real problem! When we were three, we spun on the roundabout and Thaddeus puked all over my nice new dress."

Mel sighed, idly braiding her waist-length black pigtails as she listened to her dysfunctional parents.

"Okay, I love you. I'll see you for Christmas. I promise I'll write lots and lots, yes. Bye Mom, bye Dad, give Zach lots of kisses." Mel hung up her scroll and ran onto the Airship.

It was pretty packed, Mel wasn't the most punctual person in the world. She noticed two, crimson-haired boys, identical to everyone but her, standing and looking outside of the window.

"Atticus! Thaddeus!" She shouted, sprinting towards the twins.

The one on the left, the rosy-cheeked one looked up from his book and waved hello. The one with the x-shaped scar on the bridge of his nose pulled Mel in for a hug.

Atticus Arc was not known for his excellent personal space boundaries, but Mel didn't mind very much. She had known the two of them since the womb, and had become the three musketeers, the three amigos, the trio of terror.

"What's up, nerds?" Mel asked, pulling away and messing up the older twin's hair. The younger twin, Thaddeus gave her a high five.

Atticus fixed his hair, which already looked pretty messy to begin with. "Not much. It's pretty boring without such a massive loser such as yourself to talk to."

Mel and Atticus had a similar ironic, sarcastic sense of humor that made people either think they despised or did each other.

Thaddeus placed his bookmark in the yellowing pages of his book, showing Mel the cover. "I'm rereading this book, it's really good." He said. His cheeks were always pink, but they flushed whenever he spoke, especially to girls.

"Ooh, what's it about?"

With Blake Belladonna as a surrogate aunt along with the rest of RWBY, Mel and Thaddeus had found a love of reading because of her. Thaddeus found interest in fantasy and science fiction, where Mel liked romance and biographies. They rarely found books that both fit into their preferred genres, but when they did, they would talk about them nonstop.

Thaddeus looked away. "Um, it's called Knights of Neptune, it's about two boys that are training to become a knight to the space lord, Pheron." He said.

"Is there any romance?" Mel asked, leaning closer and grinning.

"Well, Hektvain does have a love interest, but she was mostly stuck in there so that the cast wouldn't be entirely male."

Mel giggled, looking at the blue cover and admiring it. "Well, nobody likes a sausage fest." She commented offhandedly.

Atticus flailed his hands around. "Look, nerds, the Airship is taking off! Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick."

The black-haired girl zipped open her suitcase, pulling out two barf bags. She handed them to the twins, who looked green. "The Arcs are known for their terrible motion sickness. You're welcome." Mel said, standing up.

Atticus gave her a thumbs up. She stared out of the window, watching the ant-like people below.

Lisa Lavender's daughter, Lillian Lavender, was being projected on the screen. "The Museum of Artifacts is speculated to be the next target for the elusive Crimson League, and the police has taken extreme measures to catch this group of thieves. We will be updating you with more information as soon as we receive it."

The screen dissipated, showing a cheery-looking woman with red streaks in her black hair. "Hello, students of Beacon. I am Ruby Rose, deputy headmistress, and it's really really exciting to welcome you to our school." She cleared her throat.

"We'll be landing shortly, so collect all of your luggage. Also, be careful of the Schnee's, running into them does not make a good first impression. I know from personal experience." Ms. Rose giggled, and clicked out of the screen.

Mel looked around for someone looking a little bit like Weiss, but couldn't see anyone. She assumed such a rich person wouldn't ride public transportation.

Atticus pressed his hands against the window, looking at the cliffs surrounding the combat school. At least four people pulled out their scroll to take a picture. The ship began to descend, making Thad shift from red to green and Atticus hold his mouth closed. They finally landed, where Mel walked off of the ship and stared in awe. Beacon was beautiful, she stood there and took it all in. Until she got shoved to the ground.


	2. Introductions

"Um, excuse you?" The black-haired girl said irritatedly. Mel stood up by herself and glared at the person who pushed her, a white-haired boy with freckles and two different-colored eyes. He made a "tch" sound and stared down at Mel.

"Excuse me? I wasn't the one standing in the middle of a busy walkway." The boy was about the same height as her, but his attitude made him seem twice as big.

"You should've been paying attention to where you were walking." Mel countered.

"Do you know who I am?" The boy had one blue, one yellow eyes and a scowl etched into his face.

"Should I?" He crossed his arms and scoffed.

"I am Luther Schnee, second son to Winter Schnee and heir to the Schnee Dust Company." Luther said with mild irritation.

"But if you're the second son, that means the first son would be heir." The turquoise-eyed girl realized.

He stared at her, then scoffed again. "Why I am I even talking to you? You're clearly not worth my time."

Mel examined Luther's features and when their eyes met, crossed her arms. "Mm, I wish I knew." She said, running off, rolling suitcases trailing behind her.

She found herself in a small amphitheater, where everyone was chatting and waiting. A girl with a blue pixie cut and an eyepatch walked over to Mel, and smiled. "Hi, I'm Adelaide! It's nice to meet you!" She said, outstretching her hand.

Ahh, extroverts! The bookworm smiled back and shook the cool-looking girl's hand. "It's nice to meet you too, I'm Mel." It wasn't that Mel didn't like people. With Nora as her mother, she introduced Mel to people more than Mel introduced Mel to people. But with Ren as her father, she was more fond of being alone than being with people.

"Can I see your weapon?" Adelaide asked, the eye that wasn't covered opening wide and becoming starry. Mel pulled out Kitten, a sword/grenade launcher combination, with the sword coming out of the launcher when you press a certain button.

It was her prized possession. "What's yours?" She asked, suddenly eager.

The bluenette pulled out a pair of pistols with daggers sticking out of the ends. "These are the Psycho Pistols, they can shoot the daggers or bullets, and the gun part can also transform into a handle so that it's just a regular dagger." Mel's eyes widened, admiring her new friend's weapons. Atticus waved frantically to her and the girl smiled at the taller bluenette.

"It was very nice to meet you, Adelaide, but I should really get going." Mel said, backing away slowly.

The pistol-wielder nodded. "Okay! It was nice meeting you too." Mel dashed over to Atticus, tripping over her untied shoelace and landing in someone familiar's arms.

"Ugh, you again." Luther said scornfully, pushing her away.

The black-haired girl crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. "Oh, I missed you." Her voice was sarcastically saccharine. Atticus walked over, Thaddeus trailing a few paces behind.

"Uh, Mel, do you know this dude?"

Mel twirled a strand of pigtail on her finger and looked at the Schnee boy with mild disgust.

"I did have the displeasure of making his acquaintance, yes." She said with a small smirk.

Luther, in a fit of irritation, walked off with his arms crossed to stand next to Adelaide, who instantly began speaking to him. "He's Weiss' nephew. He ran into me and got all bitchy about it, and although he is very attractive, his personality is terrible. I wouldn't date him for a million Lien."

Despite being a rather rude person, Mel was also a hopeless romantic. She strove for a romance you might find in books, but that was proven to be unattainable because every guy she found interest in was either a giant ass or not interested in girls.

"Coming from the girl who would give ten million Lien to kiss that Sustrai-Black boy, that surprises me." Atticus teased. Mel glanced over at Luther and Adelaide, where the girl was talking loudly and the boy looked highly annoyed. Was that guy ever happy?

"Jade is hot as hell, and you know it."

The redhead crossed his arms. "Jade is a chick's name, and until you can prove he's not a chick, I'm not going to like him." Atticus said.

The Valkyrie girl grinned. "At least you swing both ways, right? If Jade did turn out to be a girl, I'd cry for at least three days." Mel pouted.

Atticus watched the rest of the first-years pile into the auditorium, then bent down slightly to meet eye-level with his shorter best friend. "You'd totally make an exception for Jade Sustrai-Black."

"I'd totally make an exception for Jade Sustrai-Black." Mel repeated, then jumped when the large doors closed and Ruby stepped onto the stage with a tall, middle-aged man trailing behind her.

Ruby Rose, the scythe-wielding, goofy leader of the inactive Team RWBY had somehow managed to become the assistant headmistress of Beacon Academy. "Hi, students! If you don't know, I'm Deputy Headmistress Rose, and you're starting training at Beacon. Good job for you. We just wanted to congratulate you all and introduce ourselves." Ruby rubbed her eyes, smudging the eyeliner she forgot she had put on. "Well, now that I've done that, here's your headmaster."

The slender man stepped up to the podium, and in a smooth voice introduced himself. "I am Headmaster Greyson Calvert. In your four years here, you will learn a lot about what it means to be a Huntsman or Huntress. Good luck." He said concisely. He placed the microphone into the stand gently and the doors opened back up, making the squirrelly students' volume increase tenfold. Thad tucked his book in the crook of his arm, walking behind Mel and Atticus, who were following the rest of the crowd to the makeshift dorms.

The room was somehow large enough to fit all of the first-year class with plenty of space left. Mel wondered what the room was usually used for. Luther was stepping through the hordes of people wrapped up in sleeping bags and blankets. He saw Mel struggle to escape her blanket burrito and chuckled slightly. "What's your problem?" Mel grumbled, fidgeting to escape the bundle to no avail. The white-haired boy lifted the completely subdued girl with ease, who used some colorful words as he grabbed the end of the blanket and unwrapped it, making Mel fall several inches from the ground. "Thanks." She said halfheartedly, pulling out a book from her bag.

Luther examined the cover and sneered. "That looks very lewd." It was the fifth installment in the Ninjas of Love series, Ninjas of Desire. Blake had given her the entire collection as a Christmas present years ago, which was probably not the best gift idea for a fourteen-year-old.

"You just don't understand the romance of the ninja, Shiro, and his forbidden love with the princess, Hano." Mel said defensively.

Luther looked over the girl's shoulder to read a particularly intimate moment between Shiro and Hano. "That's disgusting." He crossed his arms.

Thaddeus Arc was wearing some particularly cute footie pajamas, cheeks flushed red as per usual. "Once you get over the smutty parts, it's a beautiful forbidden love story with a rich storyline, interesting characters and a great plot." The shy boy murmured, blushing. "I've read dirtier stuff." He shuffled away shyly.

Mel pulled the first installment and handed it to the heterochromatic boy. Luther turned the book around, reading the back cover and nodding. Delicately opening the book, he began reading and instantly got enthralled. Mel turned to face Thad, who gave her a thumbs up. Atticus walked over, holding a glass of water and wearing pajamas that matched Thad's. "Did you get that mean boy into those nasty books?" He asked, peering over Mel's shoulder. She pulled Kitten out of its holster and pointed it at him without looking away from her book. The redhead slowly backed away to sit next to his twin.

"If you were nice to her, maybe she'd realize you have a crush on her." Thaddeus said under his breath.

Atticus crossed his arms. "Yeah, yeah." He watched Mel, who had her legs crossed and the book held between them, leaning down to read. It was never a good idea to approach her when she was this enthralled in a book.

"Dad only knew Mom liked him because she went and told him. You should just tell her how you feel." His twin mumbled. "It's not like that, Thad. They were only friends for a little while, I'm sure Mel can only ever think of us as best friends." Atticus climbed into his sleeping bag and zipped it up, making a particularly grumpy face. Thaddeus climbed into a matching sleeping bag, discreetly placing a stuffed pig into his brother's arms and subtly grabbing his own stuffed sheep. The lights suddenly went out, the code for everyone to go to sleep, and they snuggled their animals and went to bed.

"How did you like it?" Mel asked quietly, only seeing Luther by the moonlight through the windows. He closed the book, folding the corner of the page and handing it to her.

"It's alright. There hasn't been anything too sexy yet, so I'm guessing it'll go downhill." Luther said.

The magenta in Mel's hair, the single streak that was somehow natural shone in the lighting. "Whatever."


	3. Questionable Teaching Practices

**Sorry for the short chapter! I really appreciate all of your support and thank you all so super much for reading and I promise that this filler chapter will absolutely be made up for with the next one. It's pretty epic. But yay, two new characters! Leave a review telling me which characters you ship! Atticus and Mel? Luther and Mel? Thad and Mel? Something bizarre? Let me know which ships you want to be canon and I'll see what I can do to make them so! ;-)**

 **~ Saffron**

"Excuse me, please." A gender-ambiguous Faunus with floppy beagle ears and messy teal hair said kindly when Atticus was blocking their locker.

Atticus stepped out of the way and looked at them, never quite seeing someone who's gender was so unclear. "Um, this might be rude, but um, what gender are you?"

The Faunus hummed slightly and winked, making a cute pose. "Oh, well, I'm genderfluid, so it's usually a surprise every day, but today I'm both, and my pronouns are they/them." They smiled.

Atticus looked a little timid, almost like his brother. He had never met anyone who had to tell people their pronouns. "That's pretty cool. I don't think I've ever met someone like you. I mean, now I have, but before this, I haven't."

"A genderfluid Faunus with turquoise hair who has such high self-esteem?" Atticus didn't get the high self-esteem part, until he saw their shirt, which read "adorable" in bubble letters.

The redhead smiled and shook their hand. "My name's Atticus, it's nice to meet you."

Their beagle ears twitched and they smiled. "Cricket. It's nice to meet you too!" They shook his hand and sprinted away.

Thaddeus was a furious shade of red as he walked over to his brother. "Who was that?" He asked.

"Cricket, a genderfluid Faunus with surprisingly high self-esteem. Do you like them?" Atticus smirked, fixing his hair.

The younger twin looked at Cricket, who was wearing all white The bell rang and Mel rushed outside, where only the characters important to the plot were.

She stood at the edge of a cliff, where launchpads were arranged in a line, presumably to launch the students. How was the school board okay with this?

Trying to decide the best landing strategy, Mel stood in between Thaddeus and Atticus, a common thing. When they were younger, they found it unfair if one person got to sit by Mel and the other didn't, so she was usually in the middle.

She saw a familiar face on the other side of the launch line, one of her surrogate cousins, examining her nails. "Hey, Marina!" Mel shouted, waving.

Yang and Neptune's daughter was the coolest person Mel had ever met. She was downright badass, fortified by Coco Adel, confidence injected into her bottle milk. Her strength was legendary, her coolness rivaled only by her parents', and her pun game was strong.

Marina winked, shooting finger guns at her and smirking. She held her quarterstaff confidently and flipped her hair.

Everyone's weapons looked pretty awesome. Adelaide with her pistols, Cricket with their halberd and Luther with a bow and arrow and a compartment filled with dust in the quiver.

And the Arc twins. Thad had a highly practical weapon, an iron shield with two rifles attached to the sides. He was a defensive fighter, and usually let Atticus handle the big strong enemies, but he could hold his ground.

Atticus, however, had a mace. A big, swinging, spiky, mace. He took great pleasure in killing Grim with it. The spikes also could come into the main ball, increasing the weight and making it better to fight humans.

Ruby began the launching, flicking a switch and sending Marina Vasilias flying. They launched one by one, and once it got to Mel, she braced herself and was suddenly somersaulting through the air.

She landed gracefully onto the top of a tree, looking through her scope to find either Thad or Atticus.

"Who am I to break them up?" Mel asked herself, lowering her launcher and frowning. "Their teamwork is legendary. They'll probably find each other by twin telepathy anyway."

Mel jumped down from the pine, running. Maybe she'd find Adelaide? She was nice enough. Or Marina?

Or...


End file.
